Space Invaders with Michael Jackson and Ella Fitzgerald
Ever notice how difficult it is for people to let you stay in your space and just be who you are when you have a difference with them?
You're sitting in a restaurant waiting for your food to be served, everyone is nibbling rolls and you aren't..someone says, 'you can have one.' You say, 'thanks but, I don't want any, I'll wait for dinner.' Sometimes you hear responses like; 'you don't have to deprive yourself.' 'one won't hurt you,' 'you can have one every once in a while.'
Funny, how people become 'food pushers,' when they have a crust or two hanging off their own lip, not that there is anything wrong with that, FOR THEM.
However, if you reach into your own inner space, you find that, you don't feel deprived when you decline a roll. As a matter of fact you can choose to have one or twenty rolls if you so desire.
You don't need 'space invaders' to try and take your space by pushing you into their choice...
For the above dynamic, try and substitute clothing purchases;' oh, you can buy that!!
or
Cutting out of work early when someone else wants you to...'It's only one day.'
Home decorating..'you're putting that there?' This said, as you are pounding the nail into the wall.
These are examples of the casual, common undermining of being YOU when someone wants you to be THEM.
WHY SPACE INVADERS EXIST
Space invaders exist because people have trouble being in their emotional space alone..so they press you to join them.
Space invaders are people who want to be validated and therefore when you have a separate desire or action, they feel invalidated which creates discomfort for them. To alleviate their discomfort, they pressure you to agree (validation) and participate (merge) with their desire or action which eliminates their separateness/aloneness (validates them) and decreases their discomfort until the next difference appears.
They push on you, not because you are choosing incorrectly but because they cannot tolerate the space between their choice and your choice. They cannot trust their own choices and tolerate their own feelings.
SPACE INVADERS are everywhere on this planet; in your state, in your neighborhood and even in your very own home.
BEHAVIOR STYLES
The Pushers
Here is a quick example of what I mean in this morning conversation between my friend, DEV and his girlfriend, JULIE.
SETTING: Kitchen, Sunday morning, New York City, 2012
JULIE
Want a walnut muffin?
[Dev is reading the paper. He looks up.]
DEV
No thanks.
[Thirty seconds later...]
JULIE
How about half a walnut muffin?
DEV
No, thanks.
[Twenty seconds later…]
JULIE
How ‘bout half a muffin with jam?
DEV
Uh, uh, no thanks.
[Ten seconds…]
JULIE
Let me give you half a walnut muffin with butter..how about with butter?
[Dev looks up from the paper.]
DEV
No, thanks..I just don’t want anything now.
JULIE
Okay.
[Few seconds…]
JULIE
Are you sure…it’s reeally good?
[Dev stands up and throws the paper down.]
DEV
I don’t want a muffin...I don’t want a half a muffin, I don’t want a muffin with
butter, I don’t want a muffin with jam… I DON’T WANT A MUFFIN!!!!!! I
don't want a muffin!!!!
[Dev cries in frustration and pulls at his hair, the only thing he can re-arrange since his replies seemed to have no effect on Julie's locomotion.]
JULIE
Okay, okay, fine, don't have a muffin.
QUIZ: Did Dev want a walnut muffin?
Twisted Heads
I do not take direct responsibility for what I want rather 'I am doing it as a favor to you'
*here is your laundry:
My friend lives in an apartment building with staff. Recently, the porter brought her laundry to the door. He took all of her clothes out of the dryer and brought them to her, an hour before the laundry closed with the explanation that he didn't want anyone to take them. Though the truth was that he wanted to leave early again.
(Ah, I want to handle my own laundry)
*about your birthday:
A friend says: "Let's celebrate your birthday on Sunday..it's a more relaxing day for you.'
(Ah, how about asking the birthday person what they want?)
*on the phone:
I'm going to let you go.
(Ah, but I don't want to go yet)
The Blamers or you are wrong when you don't do it my way..it's your fault
*If it were me, I would have paid for the cab.
(Well, it's not you, it's me and I chose not to pay for the cab.)
*I wouldn't have said mean things to you if you had arrived on time.
(I would not, if you did not..you are responsible for the reaction I chose)
The Guilters
'I would do it for you.'
(Ah, that's nice)
'I never hear from you.'
(Ah, you just did, I called you )
'I can't believe you feel that way.'
(Ah, I just told you I feel that way..why can't you believe it ?)
'I don't know anyone who feels that way.'
(Ah, now you do.)
'Don't feel that way.'
(Ah, but I do.)
If you want to stay true to your emotional life, it helps to know the tactics of your fellow travelers who through their own habits and human frailties challenge your positions. I leave you with an old anthem of self-preservation.
